figure me out

2006-03-15T08:18:00.000-08:00

sad :'(

Most folks think that I'm not real
Cause I'm half girl and I'm half seal
I'm a little seal girl livin' in the real world
And it's so hard to get by
'Cause seals can't even cry
But in this endless, boundless sea
Is there no one who looks like me?
I know I must stay chipper,
One day I'll find a friend to hold my flipper
'Cause I'm a little seal girl livin' in the real world
And it's so hard to get by
'Cause seals can't even cry

(AS TOLD BY GINGER)

this is exactly what i have been feeling for so long. it's so hard to pretend you're not hurt when the next thing you want to happen is to just end it all.

somebody once told me: "why are you hurting? isnt it enough that you know it is you he likes?"
and so i told her: "do you think being "affirmed" like that makes me any better protected? im also being pained, just like you... just like anybody else."

you think it's as simple as that, but you know so little. do you even know what im going through? do you even know how difficult it is to know where i am standing? you whine because you feel unnoticed. i glaringly live to witness that love--his love-- that you said was for me.

people have their own wounding stories. just open your eyes and you'll realize just how small yours is.

2006-03-14T03:02:00.000-08:00

Insensitive
Jann Arden

How do you cool your lips,
after a summer's kiss?
How do you rid the sweat,
after the body bliss?
How do you turn your eyes,
from the romantic glare?
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you'd know anywhere?

Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes,
your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face,
that told me
you might have some advice to give
on how to be insensitive,
insensitive ooh, insensitive

How do you numb your skin,
after the warmest touch?
How do you slow your blood,
after the body rush?
How do you free your soul,
after you've found a friend?
How do you teach your heart
It's a crime to fall in love again?

Oh, you probably won't remember me
It's probably ancient history
I'm one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I'm out of vogue,
I'm out of touch,
I fell too fast,
I feel too much
I thought that you might
have some advice to give,
on how to be insensitive

***********************

Biglaan
by 6 Cycle Mind

Nandito nakaukit pa rin sa puso ko,
Nang sabihin mong wag na lang.
Nandito nakatatak pa rin sa isip ko,
Kung paano mong tinalikuran ang lahat.

Kay bilis ba't umalis, nakakamiss

Na bigla lang di ko man lamang nalaman
Na mawawala,
Na bigla lang di mo man lamang naisip
Na idahan-dahan.
Hindi ako sanay sa biglaan,
Unti unti na lang sanang nawala.

Hindi ba natin kayang magkunwari,
at sabihing sige na lang
Hindi ba natin kayang dayain,
Ang mga yakap sa tuwing lumalambing

Kay bilis ba't umalis, nakakamiss

Na bigla lang di ko man lamang nalaman
Na mawawala,
Na bigla lang di mo man lamang naisip
Na idahan-dahan.
Hindi ako sanay sa biglaan,
Unti unti na lang sanang nawala.

**************************

Ill Never Get Over You Getting Over Me
by Expose

I hear you're taking the town again
Having a good time.
With all your good time friends.
I don't think that you think of me.
You're on your own now.
And I'm alone and free.

I know that I should get on with my life.
But a life with out you could never be right.

As long as the stars shine down from the heavens.
Long as the rivers run to the sea.
I'll never get over you gettin' over me.

I try to smile so the hurt won't show.
Tell everybody
That I was glad to see you go.
But the tears just won't go away (won't go away)
Lonliness found me.
Looks like it's here to stay.
I know that I ought to find someone new.
But all I find is myself always thinkin' of you.

As long as the stars shine down from the heavens.
Long as the rivers run to the sea.
I'll never get over you gettin' over me.

oh... No matter what I do.
Each night's a lifetime to live through.
I can't go on like this. (I need your touch)
You're the only one I ever loved... oh.

And as long as the stars shine down from the heavens.
Long as the rivers run to the sea.
I'll never get over you gettin' over me.
I'll never get over you gettin over.
Never get over you... gettin over.
I'll never get over you gettin' over me.

**************************

If The Feeling Is Gone
by Kyla

If the feeling is gone
please don't pretend that you still love me
I can see it in your eyes
and it hurts to admit it
I can tell that the feeling is gone

All i ask is just a little honesty
Though i know that you're not coming back to me
You know i'll do anything to make you stay
But i just have to let you know
If the feeling is gone

There's a sadness in your smile
Though I try to conceal it
I can tell that the feeling is gone

All i ask is just a little honesty
Though i know that you're not coming back to me
You know i'll do anything to make you stay
But i just have to let you go
If the feeling is gone

All i ask is just a little honesty
Though i know that you're not coming back to me
You know i'll do anything to make you stay
But i just have to let you go
I just have to let you go
I just have to let you go
If the feeling is gone....
Stay...

***************************

**sometimes, the heart speaks of so much feelings to someone you thought was listening.
and it hurts so bad to realize that the person you've spoken to
never really dared to understand nor even tried to listen at all.....**

it's the ugliest feeling to give until nothing's left for you....
yet that's what love is....

2006-02-25T22:51:00.000-08:00

a little help for a broken soul.

I never thought I'd cry this way again. I'm stronger now, that's what I kept on telling myself. But everything was self-deception...

How can i be strong when things are just treating me so painfully cruel? Is there no better cycle? Why does it have to be that every blissful moment be offset by painful ones? At one moment, your head's up in the sky, at another, you fall and completely lose yourself. Is this how it should really go?

With what I feel for you, I have no doubts, not even ifs. Because for one, you're all I've ever wanted. And if I could only fight for what I'm feeling, I swear I would have done so long before. But what I have is a patient heart that is willing to wait. One that is trying so hard to bear the pain of secretly loving you..

For the longest time, I was wise enough to deny that it was love that existed. But what does being wise have to offer when the heart already starts to feel the twinge? What does it have to give when the heart is already drowning in tears? Does it always have to be mind over heart? Can't they ever compromise?...

You're all that's on my mind every waking and sleeping moment of my life..

You're all that's giving me enough reason to smile...

You're all that's keeping me convinced that I have a beautiful world...

You're all that's providing me much to be thankful for...

And now, you're all that's making me laugh and cry at the same time...

Because of you, I am JEALOUS. Jealous because there is always the feeling that I have to battle against so many people just to get a little of your attention.

Because of you, I am PARANOID. Paranoid because as much as I want to be as close as possible, all I could do is watch you from afar, and painfully satisfy myself with the wishful thinking that somehow, it is me you think of.

Because of you, I am CONFUSED. Confused because I am sheer oblivious on how to deal with all the demands of liking you so much; confused because as much as I want to fight for this feeling, all I could do is wait for things to unravel the way they should.

Because of you, I am AFRAID. Afraid because they exist; I am afraid of losing you, though I know I never even had you.

Because of you, I am HAPPY. Happy because finally, I have found the one really deserving of my love and attention; Happy because I have found better meaning for my existence.

Now tell me, is it not love? Could it possibly be not love? Can't anybody realize that it would be the greatest foolishness for me to still deny it?

If being rational means forgetting you have a heart especially designed to love, then it would be my greatest pleasure to remain irrational for the rest of my life. Because loving you has given me so much meaning that I no longer care about what there is to lose...

2005-04-17T10:32:00.000-07:00

for the first time after several years, i have found someone waaay better than spongebob.

BO BICE.

yeah. the hot guy has captured my heart and has left spongebob crying for attention.

.....

.....

.....

nuttiness.

2005-04-16T17:43:00.000-07:00

sheesh. i almost forgot i have a blog.
see ive been reeeaaaallllyyy lazy these days.
ahhh summer....

anyways, the only reason im writing this is because i am stuck at my lola's house with exactly nothing to do. i cant even indulge in an all day etc/hbo/starworld marathon (which, mind you, is the ONLY thing that keeps me alive these days) because my young nieces/nephews are so ready to terminate whoever gets in their way making them fail in their pursuit of dominating the entire television set. argh. really pathetic.

still, im feeling happy because my eldest brother passed the board exam with flying colors. :D yay!!!
so world, gear yourself up for the coming of ENGINEER RAYMUND NABLE.

....okay. so im overreacting. again.

but like i care. im really proud of what he'd accomplished.:D

------------
i am so loving american idol.
but im loving bo bice more.
one single smile makes me melt.totally.
but im not discounting the fact that constantine's also very gorgeous.
its just that, err, i like bo bice more. :D

no, wait a minute. i dont like bo... i love him. he rocks it out all the time!
paula's so right. we'll see him at the f.i.n.a.l.e.

argh. can't give a decent review of american idol at this point.
i'll just make another entry completely about the show and about bo next time.
yeah. next time. maybe after another 40 years when ive already overcome laziness. :D
---------

bye world.

2005-04-09T13:22:00.000-07:00

senior citizens

meron isang couple.
pareho silang matanda na.
siguro mga hundred years old na.
pero c lola, papansin parin kay lolo.
kaya one day, sabi niya, ise-seduce nya c lolo.

first night: nagsuot sya ng pink na nightgown na see-through
lolo, deadma

second night: nagsuot sya ng t-back (saklap)
lolo, deadma parin

third night:
lola: hindi na ko papayag, dapat mapansin nya na ko ngayon.
kaya ginawa nya, naghubad sya.
lolo: o, bat ganyan suot mo? gusot-gusot!

hahaha.

2005-04-08T07:48:00.000-07:00

ace judicio

i'm out to get you.

yak.ampanget palang pakingan.
but still, i'll find you.
i swear we'll meet again.
we just have to.

2005-04-08T05:19:00.000-07:00

you name it!
(nyee! baduy)

1). YOUR PORN STAR NAME - (NAME OF FIRSTPET + STREET YOU LIVE ON):.
:: ashley flaviana

2). YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME -(GRANDMOTHER'S/ GRANDFATHER"S FIRST NAME + FAVORITESNACK FOOD):.
:: Florentina jamaican patties

3). YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME - (FIRSTWORD YOU SEE ON YOUR LEFT + FAVORITERESTAURANT)::
:. sony mcdonald (okay. so it's a fast food. but like i care)

5). YOUR SOCIALITE NAME - (SILLIESTCHILDHOOD NICKNAME + FIRST TOWNWHERE YOU PARTIED)::
:. Bange Eastwood (that is so not it. ampanget)

6). YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME - (FIRSTINITIAL + FIRST THREE LETTERS OF YOURLAST NAME)::
:. R. Nab

7). YOUR DETECTIVE NAME - (FAVORITEANIMAL + NAME OF HIGH SCHOOL)::
:. elephant St Paul

8). YOUR BARFLY NAME - (LAST SNACK FOODYOU ATE + YOUR FAVORITE ALCOHOLICDRINK)::
:. pretz vodka ice

9). YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME - (MIDDLENAME + STREET WHERE YOU FIRST LIVED)::
:. amago capt. ato (huwatsdatt?)

10). YOUR ROCK STAR NAME - (FAVORITECANDY + FAVORITE MUSICIAN'S LAST NAME)::
:. mentos morissette

11). YOUR "POPULAR" NAME - (FAVORITECELEBRITY'S FIRST NAME + BEST FRIEND'SCITY NAME)::
:. ashton pasig (anu ba!)

12). YOUR OPPOSITE SEX NAME - (NAME OF[OPPOSITE SEX] FRIEND + CELL PHONECOMPANY YOU USE)::
:. Sherwin smart (okay. he's gay, but he really is smart. :D)

2005-04-05T12:14:00.000-07:00

bored

i.am.just.plain.bored.

which reminds me, board shorts are on sale at landmark.

uhh,, i think. 0.o

pajamas are so out nowadays. completely superfluous.

coffee jelly from jollibee tastes pretty good.

but nothing beats mcdo caramel sundae.

oh how i miss school.

i can't sing to save my life!

So why am I in a choir?

just get me an iPod.

i am tired of my hair. i badly need a haircut.

i hate roaches. and smoke. and not getting text messages from anyone for an entire day.

my brother's the greatest pet ever.

bring me to bora. or to alaminos--hundred islands

i wanna make this o.j a little private. damn it!

i hate talkativeness. people, just shut the f*ck up!

i love waking up to at least 3 txt msgs every morning.

and well, I woke up this morning to 10 msgs. Khuuhl.

aaaaccccckkkkk! im stepping on spongebob!

everything bores me.

including the net.

i am not vain like others. but I do find them really droll. what? that's a compliment!

i loooovvveee fruits. Im gonna be a fruitarian anytime soon. (i wish)

my eyes are too sore bcoz of much: a) crying. (yeah. i cry i lot when i pray.) b) tv c) computer

caramel frappe + jamaican pattie = uhh, bliss :)

passivity is my forte.

im hungry. my tastes buds are so pining for chocolates.

garb me, garb me!

tired of the world? die.

i loathe ethel booba. argh. irritating woman.

im missing a lot of people.

i hate monthly periods.

i love spongebob. but then i just wanna miss the movie coz i get easily turned off by density.

I may be a loser. But it doesn't make you any better.

Yeah. You're still the bigger loser.

oops. peace on earth.

i abhor the simple life. talk about insolence. you guys are uncool. get it?

mark abaya is just another pretty face.

treat me to mcdonald's, please?

[from a new commercial star search] girl: "i have my own girl power! i can stand the difference!"... uhh, what's that again?

i want another etc marathon. i have it almost every day of my life for crying out loud!

im going nuts! or maybe cashews? ack. 0.o

stepped down the ladder of evolution again and developed only a brainstem.

can't make a decent entry.

sad over Pope's sudden death.

starting to become a coffeeholic. Well that'll better suit my email.

Mcdo fries make the world go round!

i hate sweat.

i hate overactive sweat glands more.

Guitar or voice lesson? Or maybe both?

I just lost the opportunity of being in tagaytay.

my gay friend says im also 'gay'. what's that supposed to mean?

people say im getting fatter and fatter by the day. that's downright insulting.

[from a tv show] man: "you see my driver has a driver." haha. talk about smugness.

i would love to have access to perks.

new goal: befriend a celebrity.

oh, so does that mean befriending myself? ack. loser.

i hate overly-kikay creatures. they make me wanna puke!

people think too much paint makes them look fabulous. Oh they just bring to life idiocy.

i was headed to a murky road.

and there was light!

am I gonna be a psychologist?

i wanna be a pediatrician.

[from the commercial of a 'reality show'] voiceover: "kaya mo bang mag-bowling na ikaw ang bola?"... what about people's dignity?

bring me pizza from sbarro. You'll get a kiss.

tv commercials are slowly becoming dim-witted.

***Okay. So obviously, boredom doesn't make me any levelheaded.

Now I shall stop.

Btw, this is what you call introspection.

2005-04-01T15:10:00.000-08:00

okay. so maybe i was a coward.

but on second thought, err, no. i take that back. now i curse my mind for even factoring that in. i am no coward. i just thought keeping things from worsening means holding my tongue back.

though it took me a lot of time, effort, and courage to come up with this letter, i was reluctant to give it to you at first. but im not letting everything i've invested be put to waste. now after a lot of thinking, i realized that i can actually get to you in the subtlest manner, and that is, through this online journal.

Before finally coming up with this letter, I first had to deal with great fears. It would have been easier for me to stick to passivity but I really wanted to tell you a lot of things. I don't have any tinge of thought as to how you will take this. But then, all I ask is just a little fraction of your time.

I want to keep this as short as possible so to start things off, I would first like to apologize. I know I was never totally honest with you. I have never really shown any trace of annoyance, but my past blog entries might actually speak otherwise. (slapmebacktoreality.blogspot) If you happen to read some of my entries, you would discover that there were some points where I felt really bad that I was able to write things that were inappropriate.

I know that I'm responsible for whatever I put in that online journal, and because I'm aware that I was able to mention things that might offend you, I find it important now to apologize. I just want you to know that I didn't totally mean those things.

The reason why I never showed annoyance is because I never really was annoyed. I was just plain hurt, or maybe offended, and because I can't let it show, I have no other choice but to act as if I'm 'just annoyed.' I'm not a fraud, but at times, I tend to resort to hurtful words just so I can hide my own hurting. Because I myself felt offended, I found hurting people back with my sharp words the only way of redeeming my aggrieved ego.

You know there were just certain situations wherein you made me feel bad. Maybe they were unwittingly done, or maybe I was just overreacting. Now I can't go on trying to expound on this because I don't feel certain about anything at the moment. But you know the only way I had to hide the fact that I was hurt was to act as if I was not affected. Now I know doing that didn't help at all.

Up until this point, I still don't have any clear idea of how you see me. I don't even know if you consider me as a 'friend'. But on my part, I find you really special. Perhaps because I see everyone else that way. I consider myself your 'friend' because you somehow made me believe that I'm worthy being called one. And I gave so much value and importance to that privilege. Now, since I'm being totally honest, I might as well add that I don't remember myself caring for someone else the way I have cared for you. You matter a lot, and I hope I was able to make you feel that way with all the little things I tried to do.

But then again, I want to say that I am not assuming. I never was. I never put another meaning to what was happening before. Sure, I was analyzing things, but I never assumed. I never even attempted. I always tried to think in depth but I never lost grip on reality.

Alam mo, you often confuse me. I can't tell when you're feeling really okay, or when you're just trying to be nice. I can't even tell when you're already annoyed. I don't know what kind of adjustments I have to make just so I can put up perfectly well with you. Sometimes, I just get caught by surprise with sudden changes. For the longest time, I thought you wanted me out of your way, so I tried to do just that. But then you've surprised me again recently by acting as if nothing abnormal has happened. Everything seems back to normal.

I honestly feel happy that things are slowly getting okay now. I feel relieved whenever I get messages from you because somehow, I feel that you're not so mad after all and that I can still be a friend. But then, I feel awkward because I know I have said offensive things before and I feel that I just have to apologize first. And this is the very reason why I decided to write this letter.

It was really hard letting all these thing out and admitting my weaknesses that only me a few others know. So I hope you see now how important the 'friendship' is for me that I opted to resort to honesty. I don't have any other intention but to maintain whatever it is that we share, whether it be friendship or a sheer state of being acquainted. I just can't go on conversing with you as if nothing has happened; as if I have not hurt you with my words, and yes, maybe the other way around. You may think/say anything about me, but it will not change the fact that you do matter a lot that I just find it so essential to be honest, and to be humble enough to apologize.

I'm really sorry, and I hope we remain friends.

2005-04-01T14:16:00.000-08:00

Ang sabi ng kahapon...

Nakita ko ulit siya.
Pero sabi ng kahapon
hindi nya na uulitin ang sarili nya
para lang masaktan uli ako.
Nalungkot ako dahil sa kabutihan nya.
Nasaktan ako lalo dahil hindi na talaga puede.
Gusto kong magpumilit,
Ipakita sa kanya na handa ako
Kung para lang sa kanya.
Pero sa korte nya, bawal talaga.
Umiyak ako. Ulit. Akala ko hindi na uli
Ako mapapaiyak ng kahit ano,
O ng kahit sino ng ganito.
Pero naging parang tubig nanaman.
Patak.
Ng patak.
Ng patak.
Nasasaktan ako, hindi mo ba nakikita?
Pero tumalikod lang ang nakaraan.
At nagsimulang maglakad.
Papalayo.
Gusto kong humabol.
Pero sa isang iglap, nawala na siya.
Iniwan nya na talaga ako.
Hindi na nga siguro talaga puede.
Kahit ano pang pilit ko.
Gusto ko, pero may sarili na siyang mundo.
At hindi ako makapasok kahit malaki ang pinto.
Hindi ko parin matanggap.
Pero sabi ng nakita kong isang henyo
Na matagumpay na nabigo
Na siyang tumatawa habang gumigibik ang puso
At na siyang pumasok
at kinausap ako sa panaginip,
Na hindi na talaga papayag ang kahapon.
Dumaan na ang nakaraan.
At hindi na ito muling mangyayari.
Ganon pala talaga.
Laban ako ng laban.
Pero hanggang pangarap lang pala ang tagumpay.
Kaya bibitaw na ko.
Mataas na ang pagkakatangay sakin.
Kaya masakit sigurado ang pagbagsak.
Pero mas masasaktan ako
Kung kakapit pa ko ng patuloy.
Kasi kahit ano pang mangyari,
Hindi na talaga maari.

Hindi na.

Yun ang sabi ng kahapon.

2005-03-28T23:23:00.000-08:00

oh summer, please be nice

it has been weeks and I still haven't done anything productive. I have so many plans, as always, but I am never certain if I can actually get to do all those things.

Anyways, I guess the start of summer was quite okay. We went to pangasinan for the holy week and though I wasn't with my mom, it went just fine. It was even beneficial on my part because I planned on giving up the net. Since pangasinan was far from the much-necessitated tech, I had to cope up with primitiveness. such pain in the ass. Needless to say, I succeeded with my grand lenten sacrifice. And it's only now that I can have enough time to come up with decent entries.

anyways, going back, we had to ride a jeepney-type vehicle which held close resemblance with the white, four-wheeled automobile used to transfer caskets of the dead. How luxurious is that? The seats also were not cushioned that my butt was almost swelling after the 8/9-hr trip and I swear it was really painful. I had to change position for like a hundred times just to save it from complete numbness. To demonstrate further how 'fun' it was, let me just add that for the entire trip, I felt like the garterized lining of my underwear was already buried down the depths of my skin and has already touched its subcutaneous tissue. Pathetic. Despite the great calvary, I'm still grateful because I had a great time with my cousins. Hearing their stories and seeing them laugh insanely made everything worthwhile. :)

Here are all the things that happened:

1st day:
-first had to sleep for a couple of hours before we could finally get into work. Since people in the province wake up very, and I mean VERY early, we had to be up by 9
-visited lolo, uncle Fabian, and uncle Canoy in the cemetery (yes, they're the deceased). There, I spent most of my time talking to uncle Canoy, guaranteeing him that he will always be my most favorite uncle. I just miss him soooo much :(
-went to the wet market though my cousins and I just stayed outside, near the church. Of course, I prayed there
-went to balat after having our siesta. It was such a weird name for a place but it was fun there anyways. I got to meet new relatives who I never even thought existed and it made me realize that I belong to a very BIG family. It was so exciting to meet my 2nd cousins, and the other distant relatives
-heavens must have really showered me with enough blessings this day-- I received a bag of Cadbury fruit and nut/dairy milk. One of my uncles whom I have met for the first time just arrived home from Europe. I have been craving for chocolates for 2 days already and suddenly receiving a bag of it was really something

2nd day:
-woke up at 4am. Should have seen how reluctant I was
-we had our visita iglecia although it was a little, umm.. different. We didn't have the prayer booklet so instead of having the typical way of the cross, we just had to say our own prayers. We visited a total of 8 churches, of course including Manaoag. I felt so privileged to actually experience that because I felt so intimate with God
- had one of the greatest meals ever. People close to me know that I'm a big sucker for sinigang na isda (preferably bangus) and green mangoes. Give me any of the two and I'll be loving you forever. But then it's definitely a different story if you give me both at the same time. Well, I guess I'm really loved because that was just what my lola did. She prepared a meal they call "sinigang na bangus sa manga." Ahh. Speechlessness at an awe-inspiring scale. It was such a thorny experience trying to get my taste buds satisfied
- went to balat again. Aileen was there so she invited us over for dinner in their house. His brother Kennard gave us a lift and the car he used smelled really awful. It was a good thing he drove fast that we didn't have to suffer from too much air 'pollution'. Aileen, Joyce, and ate Ritz cooked for us and though they were plain inventing, we had a great meal. :)

3rd day:
- woke up at around 6am. I was really surprised-slash-annoyed at how early people in the province wake up. There's a long day ahead, for crying out loud! Why do we have to limit the should-be lengthy pleasure from oversleeping? Sheesh. Making life so complicated
- went to the beach. It wasn't actually a very nice sight to see but hey, it's still the ocean anyways! While looking for a parking slot, something funny happened..

maan: "Ay. Tignan nyo! Ang laki ng mga alon!"
Riva: "shux, oo nga noh!"
Joyce: "naku safe kaya?"
*the conversation went on and yes, it was quite serious. But then my lola butt in..
lola: "ay. Bat ganon? May pader na sa dagat?"
*nyiii!! Lola, alon po yon eh. Hindi po yon pader.
*hahaha. May pader sa dagat? Pano nangyari yon? Anyiinyii!

The waves were REALLY overwhelming. But despite this, plus the constant reminder from my uncle and cousins to just stay near the shore, I went with kuya jonjon to the deeper part of the water. It was actually risky but hell, it was fun trying to defy the waves! Haha.

- went to chang inet to help out with the chores. The babang luksa for uncle canoy was to be held the following day and they were to murder a big fat swine for the celebration. Really uncanny, but we had to bear with it
- ate a lot of green mangoes. I was so addicted to it that while the others already felt full, I continued eating feeling like I just couldn't get enough of it. Must have appeared like a PG, but seriously, I can forget any trace of coyness just for the sake of this green fruit

4th and last day:
- woke up at around 7:30am. do you realize how early that was?
- fixed my things/pasalubong
- went to uncle canoy's babang luksa. The dishes were just.so.great. I ate everything that was served except for the sisig. It must have tasted reeeaaaallllyyy good because they were all so satisfied with it. Now I'm regretting over the lost opportunity and I'm putting the blame on my cousins. I would have gotten the chance to at least taste it if not for them. I actually was looking forward to having it because I heard that people there really do it well. But at the time it has finally reached the table, and while millions of neurons began rushing through my nerves, some already reaching my brain and persistently dictating on it to already pick up the fork, I overheard them talking about what it was made of. To my surprise, it consisted of the pig's brain. Okaaay. Thanks much. I eventually decided not to have it. Argh.
-I suffered from stomachache. To make things worse, I realized that I already had to unzip my pants because it would no longer fit! Tsk3. such great attack against my ego
- Left pangasinan at around 1:30pm. Do you realize how hot it was during that time? And, yes, we had to travel with the same vehicle! Gawd. Some experience.
-finally reached manila at around 8:00pm. Joyce was insisting that I go home the following morning but my ID wouldn't allow it. I was so looking forward to hugging and kissing my mom, and also, to surfing the net. :)

***some funny moments:

Aileen: "grabe mga kotse kanina, halos lahat nago-over take."
Joyce: "oo nga! Nakakainis."
Ritz: "hindi kasi pede bilisan ni daddy e. maxado kasi mabigat ung load"
Grace: "hayaan nyo, bukas, luluhod din ang mga tala"
* all of us: huh?? [puzzled]
Grace: "eerrr. wala na kong masabi eh. Hahaha"
**okay. Everyone burst to laughter. Huwwwatttsdataggeen?
*hahaha

*Noah and Philip. The tale of the two crazy siblings.
-->My new names according to them:
1.Tita Liba/ tita Limba/ Tita Limbang- Noah
2.Tita Biba/ Tita Bimba- Philip
Gawd. They were fighting almost 75% of the time. They were really causing me headache, but still, i love them. :)
-->new terms, as provided by the two
-babibi- Jollibee
-mado- mcdo
-tubi- tubig
-ika- ikaw
-pot na- tapos na
and the list goes on.

Now I think I'll already stop. This has been one loooong entry and my eyes are already getting strained. I don't wanna suffer from sightlessness so I'm gonna do myself a favor now and just, stop.

2005-03-28T18:29:00.000-08:00

mga panibagong katatawanan

-"it's not yet the end, it's only the beginning. Kung baga, hindi pa huli ang lahat."--jolo revilla
-"Bittir lucks nikst tym!"--manny pacquiao
-'I'm single. What's yours?"--empoy
-"Starting from now on"--didi
-"Ayesa Inovival..." (when it was supposed to be ayesa idquival)-- host, kathy's debut
-"please come here forward to the center for your daugtHHer."-- host, kathy's debut
- tara na, balik na tayo sa centropad (centropelle kc eh)-- mommy

conversations (movies):

Sharon: "lolo, na miss ko na po kayo! Ako po ba namiss nyo?"
Lolo: "ay oo naman! Miss na miss!....Sino ka nga uli?"
**Nyiiii!!
-MADRASTRA

Vilma: "...sana, habang nakahiga ka sa malambot mong kutchon, mahimbing na natutulog, naisip mo na..blah blah blah..."
**mahirap yun ah. Pinag-iisip mo habang natutulog? Hmm...
Nyiiii!!!
-ANAK

haha.. :) masarap tumawa. nyii!

2005-03-28T14:42:00.000-08:00

I see orange people

Do yourself a favor--ignore the title. I just can't think of any decent one!:)
But hey, almost 60% of the entire population wore orange gowns! What was that?!
And oh and yes, I was one of them. Ack.
Since this is another past event (grad ball, just in case you still haven't figured out what im talking about), I feel so languid to actually tell about it in full detail. So I'll make it an easier task by simply writing a chronological sequence of events.

1. woke up at around 9am
2. started making the mask
3. came up with a very BEAUTIFUL mask at around 2pm
4. took some pictures of it
5. took a bath
6. went to david's where I was supposed to meet up with Hannah
7. had my hair and make up done
8. went to tita pearl's house with hannah to fix ourselves up for the last time
9. went to new world
10. had our pictures taken
11. ate dinner
12. listened to the batch band
13. took some pix of drew arellano
14. went out when the next band started singing
15. started experiencing unbearable headache
16. wanted to puke but held it back
17. slept in the couch just outside the hall for 20-30 mins
18. reluctantly woke up
19. had my solo pix taken
20. went back inside the hall
21. took some pictures and a 5-sec video of mark abaya (though I don't really like him because of his indecent mouth 0_o )
22. had more and more pix taken
23. danced (if you can actually call that dancing)
24. took the souvenir
25. went to hannah's place where I had my sleepover

By the end of the night, I realized that the grad ball was really boring. Or maybe it was just not my thing.

But then again, it was all worth it. I had a great time with my friends, I got to see my batch mates all glammed up, and I had a lot of pictures taken. I kinda feel guilty though because I think I ruined my friends' night because they had to bear with my situation. Since I was too fed up with the noise inside, they all had to accompany me when I decided to go outside. What's worse, they had to wait for 20-30 minutes before I could finally stand up again from sleep and do things with them. It was a good thing my headache was already gone by the time I woke up.

So that was the grad ball. I'll try to upload some of the pictures. That is if I overcome indolence. You know it's really getting harder to do that while summer progresses. Haha.

**Hannah, thanx for the cd and for the rosary. I so love them! The best ka tlaga. Mwah. :D

currently listening to: steep. Nina

2005-03-28T14:02:00.000-08:00

Leaving st. paul :(

Overdue na yung event but still, I wanted to write something about it.

Okaaay. So this is how it feels like. sooo, ummm, baffling? Ewan. Just can't find the right word. sure, it's really overwhelming to think that I'm finally done with high school. But still, it feels like something so great is being taken away from me. Something I've embraced for almost all my life.

Anyways, i guess it would be much more helpful if I dwell on the brighter side of graduation. Besides, it's supposed to be a happy event for crying out loud! so im just gonna list down all the happy moments:

- Bern. Haha. Oh bern, how I adore your bluntness. You should have seen how cute you were while dreadfully looking for another pair of shoes. The vain attempt to use rubber bands just to keep the soles of your shoes from completely detaching was fruitless. Hahaha.
- medals :)
- being recognized before a great audience
- seeing my batch mates being recognized before a great audience
- realizing that I have been blessed with the best batch mates
- seeing how successful we all are
- seeing my batch mates happy :)
- wondering where life will take us
- having one of my most intimate conversations with God
- thanking God for all that He has done
- reminiscing (thank God for baniqued's speech. Really moving.)
- looking back at the years that have left special imprints
- finally getting rid of the grad shoes which tortured my feet for a week or so
- finally getting rid of the pantyhose. Ack. Yuckiness.
- freedom. Oh yes! Bye sr agana! Bye ms patino! Bye ms castilla! Till we meet again!
- having many pictures taken
- the plain realization that high school's finally over
- saying my thank you's to the teachers
- crying. Oh yes. It really felt good.
- breaking the rules for the last time--eating during the celebration; clapping when it was forbidden; standing up and leaving my seat for no reason at all; taking pictures while the mass was going on; playing with my fone
- receiving text messages from people
-making mom cry because of too much happiness-- ahhh. my greatest reward

these are the memories I'll always carry with me.
And St. Paul, you will always be my most favorite saint.
Thanks for the 12 great years :)

2005-03-28T13:50:00.000-08:00

Mababa na ang tingin sa kamote

Hmm.Some great realization, I see. Haha.
But seriously, mababa na talaga ang tingin sa kamote
Eto ha:
1. pag may maling hirit:
"o, nangangamote ka na nman. Wag na kasing magsalita."

2. pag bagsakan ang grades sa school:
nanay: "grrr. magtanim ka na lang ng kamote sa probinsya!"

3. pag kumakain ng kamote:
"ay naku.. tsk3. baka magka air pollution dito!"

the recent mass food poisoning due to kamoteng kahoy has made things worse. Kawawang kamote, already deprived of dignity. :( Well i guess that's life. Don't worry, you'll get through that.

Ok tama na. Yan ang nagagawa ng 7/8-hr trip. Ack. Ang loser ko. Tama na. hahahaha.

Quote of the day:
"anak ng kamote!"

2005-03-18T21:51:00.000-08:00

Uhhuhh. Hannah and I are in cahoots. Again. ;0

Oh yes. There's just no telling what might happen if the two of us are in cahoots. :D some of the craziest things are just so likely to crop up.

We started the day eating breakfast together. Valmores bought us pancakes from mcdonald's and I swear that was really so sweet of her (but we paid for it of course). ang galing nga eh coz on the way to school, I was insisting on dropping by at mcdo to eat first but tito Bobs wouldn't allow us kasi nga out of the way na. tas pagdating ko sa school, I saw them eating already. I was only joking when I said that it was really thoughtful of them to buy me my breakfast. Tas i was surprised when they said that it was really actually for me. edi instant food. :) sakto pa kasi di ako nakakain sa bahay. I woke up at around 7:50 (dahil 8:30 pa pasok) to a text message from tito Bobs saying that he'll be picking me up at 8. oh just great. I had to squeeze everything I do for almost an hour into only 10 minutes. Obviously, I didn't succeed. haha.

While eating, I asked Hannah if she could come with me to sm coz I'm gonna be looking for a potential mask for the grad ball. We both knew getting her parents' permission would be nearly impossible but we still gave it a try. And this time, we were successful. Pinayagan siya kaagad kahit short notice lang. yay! A simple reason to rejoice. Cge densa na. but try living your life with complete unproductiveness (oh yes. Talk about graduation practices..) and you'll get what I mean. So ayun, we had our final practice, and also our batch pictorial tas we're off to the mall. Her dad gave us a lift and the first thing we did when we arrived there was to have our lunch. Grabe, lipas na gutom namin dahil 2:30 na yun. So as usual, mcdo nnman. Haha.

After that, we went to see a movie. At first we couldn't settle on anything dahil puro hindi magaganda. Pero finally, we decided to see cursed. The movie has already started by the time we got in. and man. we had to endure one and a half hours of pure density. Kaya nga towards the end, parang bigla ko na lang gusto magpa refund. I swear it was one of the corniest films I have ever seen! Sobrang CORNY. Wala ng mas kocorny. Sobrang babaw pa. sayang lang pera. after letting out every negative reaction I had for the film, I've discovered that I was seated right beside one of my church mates. Nakakahiya. Ang dami ko pa namang sinabi. Haha. Feeling critic pa kasi eh.

Since we had lunch at 2:30, we weren't hungry yet. So nagpagutom muna kami by strolling around the department store. Tas something really funny happened. We were talking about this girl from our batch na kinaiinisan namin because of being so ksp, th, sb, lahat na (Lord, really sorry for this). Because I was so pissed off with her, I even said: "naaasar talaga ko sa mukha non! Sarap sampalin." Ansama ko sobra. Tas Hannah began imitating the funny, olats guy from the movie we just saw, but instead of shouting the same lines, she replaced it instead with the name of the girl we were talking about. So there she was, shouting the name of the girl all over the place while doing some funny gestures. While she was dong that, my eyes suddenly landed on someone who looked so familiar. Pucha. The girl we were talking about was surprisingly at the same place we where at! as in several feet away from us lang. she must have heard everything we said. Naku! We were so embarrassed but we just laughed our heads off. Haha. So okay. One very important lessoned learned today: never do your dirty talks in a public place. haha. Bastos. Sorry Lord.

Afterwards, we looked for something to eat. We cannot decide on anything kaya nagpunta na lang kami sa grocery. We ended up buying a choco sansrival and a bottle of C2 (haha..favorite) the sansrival looked so enticing but it tasted awful. so bumili na lang ako ng Jamaican pattie. Since her dad couldn't pick us up, we had to commute. Pagsakay namin ng fx, another funny thing happened. The old woman seated beside Hannah addressed the driver as 'brad' while paying. Natawa na lang kami dahil ang siga nya noh. kasi diba usually ang 'brad' pang mga fraternity lang or mga prisoners. haha. Tas, when Hannah was already paying, the driver ignored her. So she was like..

Hannah: baka kelangan brad din sabihin natin
Riva: ahh. Umm, brad (with a deep voice), bayad po
*the driver turned around and took the money*
Hannah: hahaha. Oo nga noh.
Riva: baka naman un talaga pangalan nya. Haha. Magkamaganak pala sila eh noh. haha. Woeh.
Hannah: woeh. Hahaha

Ang corny pala ng kwento ko. Haha. Pero nakakatawa kasi talaga kanina noh. haha. So yun, natapos nnman araw. Nakakalungkot. Wala nang Hannah sa college for sure. :( hai. Babae ka, you make it harder for me. don't worry, you'll always be my BESTEST friend. Walang kapantay un. ;p woeh. Mashy. Haha.

-------------

I wasn't able to make an entry yesterday so hahabol ko na lang to.
Aun. I went to beia's house through noe's dad yesterday and as expected, she was so surprised to see us there. She was already feeling better and because her platelet count has increased while that of the hemoglobin considerably went down, there was already no need for hospitalization. God is just so wonderful to listen and answer all our prayers. :) Our whole batch actually prayed for her at my lead that morning during the practice. Nakakahiya talaga coz I was so spaced out that time that I wasn't able to deliver one acceptable prayer. Oh well. at least heartfelt un.

And yes, up to now, I'm still in search of that evil mosquito that caused my best friend that disease. Good luck na lang sakin. haha

Also yesterday, I was one of the chosen people who were asked to participate in the demo of a teacher applicant. Ack. Boredom at its best. Buti na lang I had fatzi, alva, maita, and angela as my 'groupmates.' Mejo naging okay dahil sobrang nakakatawa si alva at si maita. Our group was called 'cs--cool students' btw. Haha. Jologs.

Nakita ko nga pla sya kahapon sa school. Yes! Ansaya. After one week or so, nakita ko na uli sya. Aba. Iba na ata to. Oh well. haha.

Ansaya ng mga last days ko sa st paul. Mas nakakalungkot tuloy. Labo. Anyways, di ko pa nasasabi kay mommy yung awards ko sa grad. (oo na, mayabang na. pero payagan nyo na ko, blog ko nman to..:) ) haha. Surprise ko na lang sa kanya sa Sunday or tomorrow night. Hai! kinikilig na nman ako. Excited na ko sa mga mangyayari. :)

Cge. Stop na. antok na ko, wala ng stories. Hindi, tamad lang tlga ko. Talaga lang. oh well.

2005-03-17T08:46:00.000-08:00

huwwwaaattt????

got this from my friend's blog. ako ba'y talaga ngang kabilang sa mga so called "on the verge of..??" woeh. hindi rin. kundi, iiyak ako. huhuhu.no way.

Your Brain is 60.00% Female, 40.00% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female
You are both sensitive and savvy
Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed
But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

2005-03-17T00:41:00.000-08:00

GOD, I could never thank you enough.

Yes. I have the greatest God indeed. This is so not because He ruled the world with all soulless authority; not because He lived a prosperous lif--one with the greatest treasure or the biggest wealth; not even because He has seized everyone with His mighty and powerful hands. HE IS THE GREATEST GOD simply because He has the most unconditional, undying love. A love so great anyone bestowed with it would feel nothing but unimaginable unworthiness.

My God, You always meet me where I am. And You love me right there. But often I ask why. The enigma of this authenticity haunts me. I have done You the deepest error and have hurt You more than my memory banks could ever possibly contain. Almost every minute I sin, and almost every single thought is so much tarnished. Yet You always love me. You have eyes of inconceivable mercy with which You always witness my worth. The worth of my person--my genuine value--which I myself most often fail to acknowledge. You reward me with blessings I know perfectly I am not worthy of. You provide me with more than what I truly deserve.

I will resort to reiteration, for my heart wants the whole world to hear what it is dying to say: MY GOD, I COULD NEVER THANK YOU ENOUGH! Behind all the achievements were you, my only master. Lord, You were the only one who kept me going. There have been so many times when the world has made me forget the meaning of life; of love; of happiness. Problems have so cruelly crushed me to the ground. Criticisms have unkindly lacerated my susceptible soul. But YOU, and oftentimes, only YOU stuck by my side. You have forever remained the eyes that see me at my ugliest, the hands that hold me at my weakest, and the heart that loves me at my worst. Yes Lord, you have made me realize that that YOU were and will always be the ONLY reason that would unceasingly keep me waking up every morning of my life.

I have indeed achieved many, but only because of YOU Lord. And I thank you more for all the painful failures. Father, in every trial You have made me go through, in every pain You have made me experience, in every breakdown you have allowed me to encounter, You have caused me nothing else but great success. Through all these, you have spoken directly to my heart, confidently guaranteeing me that I am forever loved! In every endeavor I have boldly taken, even in those I have cowardly considered, You were the one who has always made my heart strong. You sustain the wind beneath my wings, so that with the right you have generously given me, I can freely fly with You, the sole Owner of the sky.

Now Lord, I'm about to end the yet most wonderful and memorable phase of this journey You yourself called 'life.' A chapter so great that no single word could ever be fitting enough to serve as an adjective to describe its real profundity. As I venture into another world filled with darkness and innumerable qualms, I once again entrust everything to You Lord. I may not know what the future holds for me, but having been given the opportunity to know even only Your Holy Name is enough to keep me satisfied. For If You Father is for me, who then, could ever be against me?

Lord, I love you so much. Though my thoughts, words, and actions speak otherwise, there is nothing that could ever change what I feel for you. You have given me so much reason to love you. Truly more than enough that never in my life could I ever possibly find any reason at all to hate you and to choose to live in vain by my own.

YES Lord, loving you is the meaning of my life.

2005-03-16T22:01:00.000-08:00

Hoy Beia! I miss you so BAD! Pumasok ka na. :(

Anlungkot lunkot. I was just off the phone with beia and I found out that she is VERY sick. Yes. VERY.

Diagnosis:
-Dengue Fever
-pneumonia

iiyak naba ko? The grad is in 3 days. the grad ball is just 2 days after the grad. Bat ngayon pa?? oh well. I know GOD has a plan. We may not realize it now, but surely, He is working out His best for beia. :) anyways, nahihiya ako. Siya na yung may sakit, sya pa yung tumawag. But I did call her during lunch break. Kaya lang wala siya, nagpa-doctor. Tas when I got home, nakalimutan ko na tumawag. Now i'm actually planning to visit her tomorrow at her place just to see if things are getting better for her.

Lord please, bless her with enough platelets. :) She needs them badly. Pag di nagincrease platelets nya, maco-confine siya. Oh no! please Lord, wag nman! I want to celebrate the grad/grad ball with her. It would be much more meaningful that way.

HOY Beia katerina Llamado! inom ng madaming water okie? Tas kumain ng madaming madami. I believe that would help increase your platelets. :) and pray. The one in-charge up there perfectly knows what He's doing.

2005-03-16T21:48:00.000-08:00

Thank God for LEAKAGES, they really help!

Oops. Cool lang. don't get me wrong. I DEFINITELY do not rely on leakages. Hindi kaya yun ng konsensya ko, okie?

They are helpful in a sense that because they were the focus of our research paper, our THESIS was declared one of the BEST. Just how great is that? Sobrang saya ko lang talaga.

There were 91 groups (consisted of 4-5 members each) who wrote and defended a paper. Out of that number, only 6 groups were recognized for having the BEST thesis. And.. *ehem* hehe...one of these was our group. I HONESTLY didn't expect that to happen because a few weeks ago, the other groups were already informed about it while we (my group mates and i) were not. Some groups were even asked to present their paper in front of the entire faculty. Tas kanina, during the awarding, nakiki clap na lang ako kasi I know na who's gonna be called. But nooww. nasurprise na lang ako.

The thesis of the group that was called prior to us was about cheating in general. Just right after that, the unexpected cropped up.

Ms Hernandez: the next group I'll be calling focused on a topic very related to cheating. They discussed about leakages (by this time, I started talking to my seatmate. Kinikilig na ko dahil feeling ko samin na yon pero in denial parin ako. But I kept on talking so that just in case I expected too much, my disappointment wouldn't show) and this group consisted of...LEYNES, Princess.. (oops! Parang ka group ko ata yan).. NABLE, Riva (oh my! Ako yon. Totoo nga!!! Horayyyy!!!)

Haha. Sobrang excited ako. Sobrang overwhelmed at overjoyed. Na kinikilig. Sobrang unexpected talaga. I pretty looked stupid I guess because I was jumping and all that. Yung iba kasi, alam na so they didn't react the way I did. I was even the one who reached the stage first, given that leynes actually sat right in front of it. Ewan. Siguro dahil sa sobrang excitement. One in the group had to explain some things about the paper and I left that to Aicel. I was able to force her to do the talking dahil sa sumbat na: "ikaw na please? Ako na yung nagpa bookbind eh." Haha.

THANK YOU LORD! All my hard work paid off. Grabe. Ilang weeks of sleepless nights din yon. At ilang subjects rin ang nasacrifice. it almost took my sanity..
- writing approximately 80%-85% of the paper
- proofreading it before having it printed (grabe, parang nag-edit ako ng isang buong libro)
- proofreading it before having it bookbound
- memorizing lines for the presentation
- preparing for the defense
- practicing with my group mates
- dealing with unbearable attitudes
- overcoming indolence
- broadening vocabulary
- staring at the computer for 36+ hours (straight ha)
- skipping meals
- getting students to participate in the focus group discussions
- inventing some (uhh, some nga ba?) things for the paper
- dealing with super annoying printers
-going to school without bathing (nagkulang sa oras eh. Natapos ba nmang magprint ng 7:15. umm, 7:30 kc bell nmin.)
- being reprimanded by mrs. miraflor for coming in late for her class
- missing seatworks, assignments, and QUIZZES because of absences necessary in finishing the thesis (while the others got to save themselves from these things)
- staying in the dormitory without permission/ pay (garapal)
- going all the way to recto just to have that thesis bookbound
- taking pictures of people we don’t know
- commuting from pasig to taguig ba yon? Basta lagpas ng cainta (na isang probinsya. Ibig sabihin, mas probinsya pa yong pinutahan nmin.)
- reading all the researches
- going to the library to do more researching
- visiting the IMC to edit some parts of the paper
- forgetting about all trace of timidity to get things done on time
- crying in front of my group mates just to get them follow me
- getting annoyed almost 75% of the time
- panicking minutes before the defense
- paneling. (imagine ha, we only got the paper of the other group the very day they were to present. Tsk. Tigatig. )
- cramming the best way we know

grabe. Thesis talaga ang pinakamahal kong requirement sa buong buhay ko as a student.

Tama si bea tan: ang buhay ay parang sinulid. Lahat tayo dumadaan sa butas ng karayom.

Well in that case, I can assure everyone that I'm one helluva strong spool of thread. Sa dinami dami ba nman ng karayom na napasukan ko na. ewan ko na lang. haha.

2005-03-16T21:06:00.000-08:00

some friend you are

the title doesn't go out to only one person. it actually goes out to three of my so called "friends" who have decided to take in a sense of perverseness. pucha. magsamasama kayong lahat. im way too good to deserve this. do you even know how much pain you cause me?

gusto ko kayo isa-isahin.

pinakauna ka na-- i just hate you. but i hate myself even more for still caring despite all that you have done. masakit, gets? or are you really that numb to not even realize it? konting respeto naman, please. i don't remember doing anything to deserve this kind of treatment. ang hirap mong intindihin eh. i've said this before but i want to repeat it all over again: if I were your problem, then face me. don't leave me here hanging.

kung ako yung "problemang walang kwenta" na sinasabi mo, well sorry but you're plain dumb. kc kung totoong walang kwenta ang isang tao/ bagay, there's just no reason at all to acknowledge its presence and to actually see it as a 'problem'. pero since you've regarded it as one, then it only goes to show that, adamandtly denied though, it does matter. it does affect you. you do care.

so what's the use of faking? you're not hoodwinking anybody else but yourself. you're trying so hard to appear uncaring, yet you only have yourself to deceive in the process. you do what you know will hurt me. and congratulations coz they all work. but then it doesn't change the fact that you're a big fat fraud. because every hurtful action you direct towards me speaks about nothing but your futile desire to hide what's really inside. something that has once cared, but which has now turned stonecold.

another thing, i am not assuming. i NEVER was. maybe only at this point because i am actually assuming that i am the one you were talking about. but allow me to make you realize that you too were guilty of the same gaffe. coz if i really were the one you were refering to, then that is just sheer assumption-- thinking that i was putting another meaning on what we used to have; blaming me for a mistake i have NEVER even thought of committing.

isa pa, let me remind you of the very droll remark: "that's so mushy and sweet.. inlove!:)" sino ngayon satin ang assuming? tss.

------------

PERVERSENESS is one of the primitive impulses of the human heart-- one of the invisible primary faculties, or sentiments, which give direction to the character of Man.

Who has not, a hundred times found himself committing a vile or a silly action, for no other reason than because he knows he should not? Have we not a perpetual inclination, in the teeth of our best judgment, to violate that which is Law, merely because we understand it as such?

-Edgar Allan Poe

------------

now let me proceed with another "friend"-- i don't hate you, really. but you confuse me. grabe, to the highest degree. anlabo mo pare. sa pagkakatanda ko, i still haven't considered a single thought of abandoning my position of being your friend. and i don't think that would ever happen. hindi ako expressive sayo, oo. but that doesn't mean i care less. anu ka ba naman? i care a lot okay? and that's simply because you're my friend. actually, one of those i consider truest friends. i miss you badly when we're not together. i think of you often when im fed with the thought that i can't be with you. i keep on thinking what could have been if you were still with us.--the same things i experience/feel for the rest. cge, given na that my bestest friend gets the most attention. i can't possibly change that. pero my point here is, i am your friend. and all i ask of you is to acknowledge my presence. because it hurts so bad to be unnoticed.

finally, to you whom i've considered one of my best friends-- you're still my best friend, okay? nothing has changed. (hannah, just so i can save you from paranoia, im telling you now that i am not refering to you. you're my bestest friend so don't ever settle with the word 'best.' you're more than that to me.) it's just that i'm getting tired of all your pretensions. i know perfectly of your genuine motives alright? kaya there's no point of hiding them. sorry to burst your bubble pero there's just no way you'll ever get me to believe you. wag mo naman ako gawin dahilan. magaling ako para maloko mo. mayabang na ocge, pero please? alam ko kaya stop playing games. like you always go to my place supposedly to see me. but i know that you just do that para makita mo sya. kababawan. please nman. were supposed to be best friends right? kaya let's be honest with each other.

hay. tapusin na tong crap na to.
but i really feel great to have let all these things out. Thank God for online journals, they make it easier for people to deal with their emotions.

God, one wish please: peace on earth.

2005-03-14T21:35:00.000-08:00

i just cant stand the noise.

didn't go to school today coz i need to have that thesis bookbound. i slept at around 5:30am and woke up at 6:00 because i crammed again. sabi sa inyo eh, great procrastinator ako.

argh. kelangan kasing dayuhin ko pa ang recto para lang sa rush na bookbinding na yan. can you just imagine that? i needed to go all the way to recto while my other groupmates are there in school, saving themselves from the consequence of missing one grad practice (which is btw, euivalent to two absences!) *ooppss. didn't mean to get anyone annoyed*

so yon nga, i had no other choice kundi sumama sa brother ko papuntang school nya (kc malapit yun sa recto). bago school nya, he accompanied me first to recto coz he knows how to get there. after that, he dropped me off here, at an alleged 'internet cafe' para daw my magawa ako. tas he'll be fetching me right after his exam. tss.

so it's only 9:00am. 11 ko pa makukuha yung thesis. im stuck here in this noisy environment where i can't even organize my thoughts. akala ko this was an 'internet cafe'. but READ: this.is.hell. i mean all you can hear is the fuckin sound of guns firing. ansakit sa ulo. my brother's gonna have a piece of my mind for bringing me here.grrrr. wala naman akong magawa coz this is the ONLY possible way i can do to kill time.

but hmmm... on second thought, swerte din pla ko. there are, suprisingly, a lot of gwapos all over this place. haha. pathetic. pero seriously, there are. like this one on my right side.haha. guapo pare. pero t.o. coz it's supposed to be a school day yet he is here spending his time on some dumb computer games. oh well.

im also super hungry na but i still have to wait for my brother who is having his exam on english at this moment. he'll be out by 10 i guess.the exam is alloted an hour yata pero sabi nya, it'll only take him 30 mins to finish. haha. tamad.when he fetches me from this loud place, then i shall rejoice dahil makakakain na rin ako at last. :D at masasave pa ang sanity ko! oh yes.

hay, ayoko na dito. sobra talagang ingay. as in. nakakasira ng ulo. please somebody, take me out of this place!

2005-03-14T01:31:00.000-08:00

my grad wish list

okay. so graduation is in 6 days. pero i still haven't decided if that's actually a good thing or not.

everyone associates graduation with happiness. but then, as you start factoring in the reality that soon, you and your friends would have to take your own, separate paths, the thought of graduation suddenly becomes painful. you discover that it isn't sheer euphoria after all.

since i am not feeling so happy right now, basically because of what has already been said, might as well do what i always do when i'm down--resort to self deception. :D helpful naman eh, kahit for a short period lang. at least i'll have something, i mean some things, to look forward to. hehe. kaya here's my grad wish list:

1. a new cellphone--hindi ko pa alam kung anong model but definitely one with great features (hmmm.. still need to research on this)

2.iPod--please???

3. palm

4.shopping spree! oh yes. :D

5. any good book to read (preferably by sparks or coelho)

6. Treat to mcdonald's

7. any spongebob stuff

8. a beautiful rosary bracelet

9. a complete set of the lovers in paris VCDs

10. CD of any of the following artists:

alanis morissette
alicia keys
avril lavigne
usher
kelly clarkson
spongecola
sugarfree
session road
kitchie nadal
nina

11. SUPERKADUPER cheap thrills/ guilty pleasures: chocolate milk shake Ritz(cheeze) stick o chokichoki cadbury (preferably fruit and nut/ caramel-filled/ bubbles-- dont know if i got everything right) tronki --ill add the rest by the time i remember them

12. guitar and guitar lesson

13. trip to europe

14. voice lesson? hmm.. haha

15. a lenten retreat/ recollection. :) this will make me truly happy.

there. anadami. haha. yung iba nman, wishful thinking lng. duh. as if i could have a trip to europe. : hay, ngapala, i've learned something really bad about myself: i am way too materialistic. tsk tsk. masama yon. anyhoo, i just made this list to entertain myself. haha. :D

2005-03-13T00:34:00.000-08:00

treat me to mcdonald's and i'll be loving you forever :D

oh how i love mcdo!:D had my dinner there just a little while back with chung and it was, as always, super fun. we talked about crap like forever. haha. i miss him badly and it was really exciting to spend time with him again.

the original plan kc was to see a movie tomorrow (i mean later) sa gateway. but his exams are on monday na pla so we had to cancel it. tas we decided na tonight na lang kami umalis. so after hearing the anticipated mass, i went home first to ask for mom's permission. i was kinda certain na papayagan ako dahil lagi nmang okay lang sa kanya. but no. she didn't allow me to go with "them" (ang paalam ko kc, kasama ko yung "choir") so i rang up chung to tell him the news and also to propose na mag mcdo na lang kami. he said it was fine with him so i went to my mom's room to ask again for her permission. and argh. i had the the most senseless conversation in my life!(okay. exagg lang ako) but it went like this:

me: ma, mag mmcdo na lang kami, ok lang?
mom: hay nako riva, wag ka na ng magpaalam sakin
me: e kakain lang nman kami sa mcdo eh
mom: hay nako! bahala ka!
me: tss
mom: kapag choir mo yung kasama mo, blah blah blah blah blah... lagi na lang choir... blah blah blah..

umalis na lang ako noh. nakakasakit lang sa ulo. kasi nman ma, mcdo lang yun. sobrang lapit lang non noh. saka, nagugutom ako pwede? gusto ko lang kumain. un lang. tas you made a big deal out of it. tss. di ko talaga magets.

okay. so masama na kong anak. pero hello? you always try to compare yourself with the choir. nman kc, what makes you think na mas mahalaga sila kesa sayo para skin? the problem is, you always entertain thoughts that are way too impossible. pwede ba nmang mas importante yung choir kesa sayo? shempre never noh. you are always more important than anybody/anything else (except of course kay GOD). ang simple simple lng ng matter: i just wanna eat at mcdo.un lang pwede?

and mom, haven't i followed what you said? you told me to leave the choir first so that i can focus on my studies. ginawa ko nman dba? kahit ang weird. coz you're like depriving the chance to serve my master. pero dahil nga gusto mo, sinunod ko. and now you're trying to point out again that the choir is more important? duh. ano ba. you're my mom. you're supposed to know better. pero as how i see it now, parang sobrang hirap sayo na intindihin yung part ko. hay. anlabo naman tlaga.

anyways, ibahin ko nalang yung topic. i just want to let out some steam. going back to the 'mcdo' thing, ayon, chung and i spent the entire night talking about.. ahem.. love. yak. haha. both of us seemed pathetic. kaya tawa na lang kami.

he dropped me off at my place at around 10:45. gabi na, pero maaga parin. while on the way home, we planned something for tomorrow (i mean for later.. again). haha. just the mere thought of it makes me laugh so hard. just cant wait to see what'll happen. haha. but i really hope it works! haha, iba yata kami. if chung and i are in cahoots, there just no telling what might happen. :D

hay. yun lang.oh the irony of life. but seriously, i love my mom more than anybody else.(except ulit kay God, walang kapantay un eh.) sana lang alam nya lagi. sana.

2005-03-12T14:15:00.000-08:00

THE NAME GAME

yeah, i know laos na laos na toh. pero bat ba? wala kong magawa eh. :P btw, i got this from hannah's blog.

if you call me riva/riva nable, then congratulations! you were given a chance to at least know my name! believe me, that's something to be thankful for.haha.
if you call me bangge, then you're a family member, a relative, or ate sheens
if you call me bang, then you're someone reeaaaally close to me. isipin mo, nickname na, shinoshort cut mo pa. haha.
if you call me anak, then you're one of my parents, or my lola
if you call me ran, rennier, rc, RIVA!!!, then you're my mom, confused because of too much nuisance, trying to get my attentioin
if you call me baby damulag, then you're my mom trying to carry me despite my.. ahem.. heavy weight
if you call me baby, then you're my pinakamamahal na mom
if you call me bunso, then you're my mom trying to appear sweet just to get me do some errands
if you call me bitch, then you're my kuya ran, sweetly(?) addressing me
if you call me bakla, then you're my favorite kuya rc
if you call me spongebob, then you're my kuya rennier
if you call me bilmoko, then you're my mom getting really pissed off with my being a gastadora/ bili-mo-ko-nito-at-noon daughter
if you call me takaw tingin, then you're still my mom, amazed at how easily i get enticed with food that i eventually don't finish after having her buy them for me
if you call me pango, then you're one of my brothers/cousins (best pang-asar nila to sakin. oh well, reality really bites.)
if you call me juday, then you're one of my brothers/cousins trying to annoy me
if you call me cuz/sis/insan then you're any of the following: joyce, ate ritz, ate grace
if you call me tita riva, then you're one of my nieces/nephews
if you call me ninang, then you're one of my few inaanaks
if you call me te riva, then you're mae-mae, my most favorite busmate
if you call me ate riva, then you're one of my busmates/clubmates
if you call me rivababes, the you're any of these people: hannah, beia, helena, valmo, ayesa, kuya jeff, ate
if you call me babes, then you're ayesa
if you call me chinny/ besty, then you're my best friend hannah
if you call me chung, then you're either sherwin or vita
if you call me ate reva, then you're lara na lagi kong kasama sa IMC every dismissal, or charlene
if you cal me RK, then you're ate grace trying to invent a new name for me
if you call me Kris, then you're someone who apparently has nothing better to do with your life than to spend it trying to irritate other people
if you call me ganda, then you're someone who seriously has to get your eyes checked. hahaha.
if you call me kb (katol boy)/ bading, then you're pinky
if you call me rivs/ ribs, then you're someone who is FC (feeling close), or someone who just loves anatomy
if you call me sisterette, then you're my choir master, ate janet
if you call me miss/ psssttt *sabay kindat*, then you're one of those annoying tricycle drivers/ kanto boys
if you call me angel locsin (huwatt??), then you're tito bobs, my beloved bus driver, or that annoying make-up artist working in the salon near our house
if you call me rivaribs, then you're lian
if you call me starbuko, then you're one of my friends back in 7th grade
if you call me waneyter, then you're one of my classmates back in 1st year
if you call me seatmate, then you're terri (si TL. as in tulo laway. haha)
if you call me neybol, then you're Ms. Mortel
if you call me Ms. Nable, then you're either Sir de Leon or Sir Omer
if you call me Rivas, then you're Sir macky confusing me with samantha rivas
if you call me Rivo, the you're ms. castilla na nababarok na naman
if you call me Riba, then you're someone who has been blessed with utter "kabarokan"
if you call me Abir, then you are my neighbor who couldn't get my name right
if you call me Yes?, then you're my teacher who happens to forget my name
if you call me President/prex, then you're one of my clubmates
if you call me riva kris amago nable, then you're jean bacar
if you call me sis, then you're either timmy or itchan
if you call me sister riva, then you're one of my ka-legion
if you call me hoy! hoy!, then you're one of my brothers getting the tv remote from me
finally, if you call me Daughter/My wonederful creation/ friend/brother/servant/disciple, then you're my ever beloved GOD. :D *wink*

whew. andami non. kinareer ko. oh well. wasted almost one hour of my time. what a great achievement! galing! apir!

2005-03-12T11:45:00.000-08:00

FERFORMAN

my gad. haha, sobrang laughtrip kgabi sa debut ni kathy. pero towards the end, ndi na kame natatawa, we were already annoyed.

so all was well, except for one . no i mean except for 2: yung dalawang hosts dun na walang kasing barok. i've survived my last year in st.paul with only very minimal criticisms for the teachers. sobra kasing ayaw ko nang mamintas at manlait. andaming temptations din yun ha, pero tinry kong ideadma halos bawat isa. pero last night was really different. di ko kinaya. haha. grabe, kabarokan at its best.

1st host (bading): ok, so i think everybody are now ready to....
*(huwatt? pakiulit?.... at aba! inulit nga)*
xa ulit: ok, so everybody are now ready to witness...
*okkkaaaayyy.*

so cge, di pa namin pinansin kasi akala namin kabado lang. pero as the event progressed, we've discovered something: may mali tlaga sa dila nya.

-ferforman (ah, nasan ung "ce" mo? performance kc dpat dba?)
-thina (when it's supposed to be "tina")
-pawlinyans (paulinians)
-preeeetti (pretty)
-naku! naalala ko tuloy ung isang quote. parang ganito yun eh: "noon bata ka pa, ngaun dalaga ka na!" (ah, seriously. quote un?) ngaung dalaga ka na, you are now allow to do things... (hinintay ko yung "ed," pero di tlga dumating)

sobrang madami pa. hindi ko na lang tinandaan lahat kasi di na kaya ng memory ko sa sobrang dami. pero ok cge na. titigil na ko. ang bastos ko na eh. sorry Lord.

anyways,it was uber fun. the food was just great. pero nakakahiya coz i came there with my big school bag. and i mean BIG. as in, baliko na yung katawan ko kapag binibitbit ko xa. kasi after school, i went directly to helena's place. dun kami nag-ayos. tas nakakatawa pa nga kasi her mom was super amazed at me, ang galing ko daw mag make-up. nyyeee! tsamba.

so we went there through luane. the celebration was supposed to start at 6, pero as we all have expected, 8 na nung nagstart. kasama ko sa table si lica, jovecca, paola, and the other 4-4 members. ansaya :D tas eon, we went home at around 11. maaga pa nga eh, pero kelangan na.

ngapala, i forgot to mention earlier, kathy was super beautiful. she was really stunning. haha, nakakatibo. woeh. oh well.

so there, mamaya alis uli ako. bibili na kong grad shoes. hay,, di parin nagsi-sink in. graduation na in 7 days. bye bye st.paul. huhuhu. :(
25%- happy and uber excited.
75%- super ka duper sad. huhuhuhuhu (agen)

hay. buhay.

2005-03-10T20:51:00.000-08:00

Give me your tired,
and your poor.
Your huddled masses
yearning to breathe free.
The wrethched refuse of
your teeming shore.
Send these the homeless,
tempest-tost to me.
i lift my lamp beside
the golden door!

-inscibed on the base of the statue of liberty

i pine for nothing but liberty.

2005-03-10T19:57:00.000-08:00

grad practices suck big time

wasted another day of my life sitting at the PCH trying to get the tune of some lousy songs. argh, what a torture. mas masaya pa yata mag lessons. grabe, now i'm experiencing one of the greatest ironies life could ever slap me with: im missing sir omer. oh yes. this has been the third time i mentioned his name on my blog. haha, pathetic. sir, lesson na lang please? woeh. haha.

anyways, last night, i was super pissed off with someone over ym. kasi ba naman, i was only trying to look concerned (okay. so i was faking. but at least i was trying). she seemed lethargic, so i decided to check up on her. pero pagkatapos kong tanungin how she was doing, bigla ba namang nichange yung status nya. it read like this: "naiiyak na ko sa journ!!! walang istorbo please?" ah, sorry ha. sorry tlaga. tss. excuse me? ahhhhhhh!!! speechless na lang ako sa sobrang kaasaran. analabo mo pla eh. twas a good thing nadc ako. grabe. i couldn't contain my anger. so kanina, i told almost everyone i know about it. and they all had the same reaction. eto:

ces: eh ang yabang pala nya eh!
sheila: *bowled over* ah, sorry ha! ang yabang!
han: *super thunderstruck; eyes almost popping out* pucha. ang yabang! ang kapal ng mukha!!!!!
beia: ay, grabe ang yabang. kapal pare.
carme: ayyyyyyy. grabe riva, ang yabang! wag mo na nga pansinin ulit yon.

sheesh. talk about smugness.
walang kang kasing yabang. anlabo mo talaga. argh. please, pakamatay ka na lang.

anyways, ill just do myself a favor and stop wasting this space in my blog talking about her. besides, it's a plain waste of kinetic energy (i mean, typing all these stuff about her).

tas, i was ever more pissed off when i arrived home. pano, when i was talking to my mom, i tried asking her for some loot to pay up for my tab and also to buy kathy a present for her debut tomorrow. aba, tama ba namang wag akong pansinin bigla. grr. mga tao tlaga. tss

well, despite the fact that people nowadays are really becoming awfully flaky, i still had enough reasons to be elated today. no actually, i had more than enough reason. let's just say i've discovered something totally worthy to be grateful for. kaso, i still have to keep my mouth shut, sabi kasi ni ms castillo eh. pero hindi rin, i already told hannah and beia about it.haha. di ko mapigil eh, i was super excited. :D THANK YOU GOOD LORD! this is just more than what i truly deserve. i love you much! <3<3<3

hay, it's really a good thing i have a GOD like Him. kung wala Siya, ewan ko na lang kung anong klaseng buhay meron ako ngayon. oh well.

ang saya pa kasi during club time, the undergrads surprised us again with another presentation. i never knew we were that special. it's so overwhelming to realize you are being appreciated. (okay. so here i go again talking about appreciation) oh how i just love the undergrads!... except of course for one. hahahaha.

hay, really excited na to have the graduation. i just can't wait. :D

2005-03-09T09:45:00.000-08:00

i.just.hate.you

tell me, were you made to drive me up the wall? because everytime i see your face, i get more and more convinced that the world is indeed slowly getting tarnished.

gawd. such a painful reality.

grabe, it's must be rrreeeaaallllllyyyy lonely being you. so seriously,do yourself a favor--go hang yourself. believe me, that would be my greatest pleasure.

oh the wrath of me.

2005-03-08T17:06:00.000-08:00

happy :)

twas an uber fun day. una, my mom didn't wake me up kaya 10:30 na ko gumising. so pumasok ako almost lunch na..saya dba.
e pano, i slept at around 3 am na coz i still had to finish the club's annual report. hah, what a great procrastinator i am.

tas, i learned from valmo na binigay na ung link namin.
salamat ha, after four years.
sobrang nakakatawa ung pic ko.
sayang kasi di ko nakuha yung sakin.
pero masaya parin.. :)

nung lunch na, my friend hannalee (o masaya ka na d.k.? special mention ka pa..hahaha) told me my grade in econ. highest ako sa class. yey!!:) tas nalaman ko din ung grade ko sa physics. hmmmm. okay. nevermind na lang.. pero tumaas nman ako, yun nga lang, mababa parin. but i guess it's enough para mamaintain un grade.. at least walang grade below 85 parin. makakatakbo parin for honors... oh yes.. dapat lng dahil more than 10 hours ako nag-aral don... and mind you, at that time, i was so bothered with everything that was happening..kaya ang hirap mag-aral.. oh well.. basta, the bottomline is: IM DONE WITH PHYSICS AND WITH SIR OMER. how fun is that? :)

after non, practice na naman. walang kasing boring, im telling you. tas biglang sumulpot si cher to tell me na nakay ayesa na daw yung grad pic ko. oh yes. edi excited ako.. kaso when i saw it,, nadisappoint ako dun sa colored pics. pero ayos naman yung black and white, kaya ok nadin.

hay,, un lang. happy pero mas malaki parin yung percentage ng sadness. it's so painful to realize that we're doing almost everything for the last time. kaya i try so hard to savor every remaining minute. nakakaiyak. :(

anyways, confused parin ako. ang hirap pala. kasi nman, kalabuan. oh well.

so i guess that's about it. andyan na din ata bus ko. ayoko nang magsecond trip! ang boring. cge. bye.:D

2005-03-07T23:04:00.000-08:00

I've kept it all inside. I thought I just had to keep it to myself.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH to even let you know it.
And I didn't know not letting it out would mean this much pain.

God knows all I ever wanted was to be appreciated.
But I guess rejection always executes its cruelty to the fullest.

Now my only desire is to feel the warmth of your acceptance again.
Because rejection is slowly killing me...
Especially now that it's coming from YOU.

2005-03-06T23:31:00.000-08:00

UNWANTED

all that i did was walk over
start of by shakin your hands
that's how it went
i had a smile on my face
and i sat up straight

oh yeah yeah
i wanted to know
i wanted to show you

you don't know me,
dont ignore me
you don't want me there
you just shut me out
you don't know me
don't ignore me
if you had your way
you'd just shut me up
make me go away

now i just don't understand
why you won't talk to me
it hurts that i'm so unwanted for nothing
don't talk words against me

i wanted to know you
i wanted to show you

i tried to belong
it didn't seem wrong
my head aches. it's been so long
i'll write the song if that't what it takes

2005-03-06T23:17:00.000-08:00

adik.

oo na, addict na kung addict.
e ano naman? masayang malulong dito.
haha.
GRADUATE na naman ako eh.:)

anyways, feeling ko mabubulag na ko.
after kcng mababad ng mata ko sa computer for lyk 5 hours,
bigla akong naghilamos.
good luck.

2005-03-06T22:49:00.000-08:00

Daluyong...

EXCEPTIONAL. ang galing ng dramatics class 2005. hindi nasayang ang 50 pesos. galing talaga. eto mga stars of the night:

paola concepcion -->papa! ang guapo mo pala. hahaha
fatzi aguila
alva

lahat na cge. ang galing talaga.

un lang. tamad na kong magdagdag pa. :)

2005-03-06T22:19:00.000-08:00

Anlabo mo. Pakamatay ka na lang.

PANAWAGAN: Sa lahat ng mga taong malabo, makakatulong sa mundo ng malaki kung papakamatay na lang kayo.

Damn it. I swear I was way too good to deserve this. Now nothing's left for me but sheer hate and bitterness. Mamatay ka ngayon sa sa sarcasm.

Tama si b.vergs--nothing is what it seems. It's so friggin hard to separate fiction from reality. For the longest time, I was made to believe that I've established a great friendship. But now, I realized that I was only painfully deceived into believing that.

pucha. Long before, I already asked you if there were things I do that annoy you. para if there were, then I could have stopped. But you said there was none-- NONE AT ALL, that was how you put it. naniwala naman ako. Now I'm confused.

Why the sudden change of attitude? If I were your problem, then face me. don't leave me here hanging. It's so difficult to figure out what's going on in your mind. Hindi porket hindi maintindihan ng tao ang iniisip mo, ibig sabihin malalim ka nang mag-isip. If you were really smart, then you would have factored in an idea that there exists a fine line between what's appropriate and what's not.

Now don't even start trying to compare yourself to me. leveling, pare.

And isa pa ha, PASSIVITY is one clear indicator of PUSILLANIMITY. If you feel you're being misunderstood, edi magaling... alam mo na ngayon kung anong nararamdaman ko. Dahil sayo.

I could have been the greatest friend to you. Pero sinayang mo. Now, try bearing with my villainy. Good luck na lang sayo.

2005-03-05T03:22:00.000-08:00

ONE LAST CRY

My shattered dreams and broken heart
are mending on the shelf
I saw you, holding hands
standing close to someone else
Now i sit all alone
wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you
nothing for me to do

*But have one last cry
one last cy
Before i leave it all behind
i got to put you out of my mind
this time, stop living lies
i guess i'm down to my last cry

i was here, you were there
guess we never could agree
while the sun, shines on you
i need a love to rain on me
still i sit all alone
wishing all my feeling was gone
got to get over you
nothing for me to do*

i bitter about life so much. because of YOU. if only you were not that numb to realize that you cause others unimaginable pain.

yeah. IF ONLY. but that's just so much for wishful thinking.

2005-02-26T08:47:00.000-08:00

EXAM WEEK

What a lame title. E kasi naman noh, sino bang matutuwa na exams na? grabe. Another dreadful week. But on second thought, there are so much more to be grateful for. Tignan nyo ha, this is the last exams for the senior year, the last one too for the entire high school life, and most important, the last one for our entire stay in St. Paul. Grabe, how fast time flies! Parang kelan lang, nagsisiksikan pa kami dun sa 'swimming pool' (that btw holds close resemblance to a super huge basin) sa preschool. Ngaun, we're off to a more complicated world. Nakakaiyak.

Memories from ST. PAUL that I'll forever cherish: *sob*

1. yun nga, yung malaking batchang pinagpipilitan nilang swimming pool daw sa preschool

2. yung swimsuit/ mini skirt na stripe na color red and white na may logo ng st. paul sa gitna

3. yung neon green na p.e. shorts nung preschool. Sa lahat ba naman kc ng colors, bat neon green pa??

4. pagbibigay ng mga pagkain sa teachers... napaghahalataan ang mga teacher's pet.. talaga nga naman.

5. patintero nung grade 3

6. kick ball nung grade 4 and 5

7. deck tennis nung grade 6

8. volleyball na puro errors lang ang source ng points nung grade 7

9. yung mga pinapatawag sa table ni sister marissa dahil sa mga relasyong inaayawan niya at pati narin ng ibang sisters na katulad nya

10. ang pagtulo ng laway ng mga tao habang natutulog sa grad practices nung grade 7

11. ang mga class nights, retreats, at Marian celebrations

12. ang mga songfests, drama fests, speech choir, lingo ng wika celebrations, at iba pang mga competitions na naimbento-- disrupted kasi lagi ang mga classes

13. pasiglahan-- yung walang kamatayang dance step--description: nakaupo with the legs extended. Then, both hands (holding the pompoms) will start touching the toe, then will jump to the knees, then the waist, the shoulders, and up they go! The best. Tatak paulinian.

14. the Paulinian trademark: ang pag-upo sa kahit saan, preferably sa semento

15. ang pagkain sa klase, pagtulog sa subjects ng mga teachers na walang
kakwenta-kwenta, pagshare ng mga answers, pagpapasa ng mga leakages… at yung iba pang extremes na ginawa ng ibang mga tao na sa sobrang 'extremeness' ay hindi ko na pedeng sabihin pa dito. Just go figure. Kahindak-hindak. (btw, hindi lahat ng nabanggit ay ginawa ko... okie?)

16. mga love teams, love triangles, recent break-ups, recent rebounds, relationships that endure, relationships that immediately last, blooming desires, 'things,' at lahat na ng bagong cheesmax na pwedeng mapakwentuhan pag walang ibang mapagusapan

17.mga true-to-life telenovelas-- pag-iyak ng mga tao because of heartaches

18. mga teachers na sentro ng criticisms. Haha. Soree. Ganun talaga eh

19. ang pagsilay at pag-stalk sa mga crushes. Haha. Lahat yata nagdaan d
yan. Abnormal ka na lang kung hindi.

20. rotonda/ batibot, bus port, red tiles, hs/gs canteen, stairs sa may gs--mga sikat na lugar kung san madaling makahanap ng silay

21. ang walang kamatayang pag-cram sa mga projects. Let's just put it this way: there are a lot of people who work so much better under pressure. Haha. Consuelo de bobo.

22. kung pano mataranta ang mga taong nagdadala ng cellfone pag nababalitaang may inspection. Haha.

23. library. Oo na, dead kid na kung dead kid. Pero malaki tlagang tulong ang library. Trust me.

24. cheese log, chilled taho, pizza (na five pesos lang per slice nung grade school), shakeys, zagu, french fries--mga naging at patuloy na nananatiling mabenta sa canteen

25. paggupit ng dulo ng jogging pants para daw cool.

26. baranggay history project nung first year-- grabe, tinyaga kong maglakad ng ilang kilometro para lang makuhanan ng pictures yung mga landmarks ng pinagbuhatan. Tsk.

27. parish involvement requirement-- the very sense of the phrase suggests sincerity. E bakit naging requirement? HELLO.

28. T.H.E cooking classes. Mga sikretong kadiriian.haha

29. frog dissection nung second year. Pati yung pag-mount ng skeleton. Rhaaaawwwr.

30. CAMPUS PAPER. glad those days are over. Sobrang hirap. Tapos na ang school year, nasa school parin kami para tapusin yun.

31. SALLY-- and pinakasikat na taong nabanggit sa chem… sinong makakalimot dyan? Cge, let me refresh your minds... si SALLY pumasok sa pinto, sa door pinto... haha. Gets?

32. soap-making nung third year. Because of that, the word saponification has been forever shunned away from my life.

33. Composting. Happy soil ironically makes us sad.

34. BSA--batch social night. It was just really something to see my batch mates all glammed up. Such a beautiful sight to see.

35. Thesis. Sa lahat ng naging requirements ko, eto ang pinaka hindi ko makakalimutan. Sobrang daming sakripisyo. Pero I must say it was all worth it. I love you Ms Hernandez.

36. One and only investigatory project. Ansaya.

37. PSYCHOLOGY- best elective ever.

38. Wednesday afternoons. Lahat nagmamadali papuntang elective class. chaotic.

39. PHYSICS and SIR OMER. Still can't believe I survived the year with these two things in my life. Pero sir omer, mahal naman talaga kita eh. Mahirap ka lang talagang magbigay ng quiz at malabong magturo. Un lang.

40. Scrapbook--pano ko ba naman makakalimutan to eh eto ang pinakahuling project namin sa buong buhay naming sa st. paul?

41. Pagbebenta sa classroom at school corridors ng mga junkfood, damit, bag, sapatos...ano pa?

42. Intrams. Sobrang fulfilling isigaw ang 'SENIORS.' When you shout it with much passion and trust, it becomes so.totally.overwhelming.

43. Volleyball--highlight ng lahat ng sportsfests.

44. softball at kung pano nag champion ang seniors. Magaling ka Rosalie mantilla. :)

45. induction rights. Thanx a million undergrads. You made all of us feel really special. :)

46. DALUYONG--the beautiful fruit of all the hard work and sacrifices of the 46. Dramatics class. Congratulations seniors. Job well done.:)

47. KRYZELLE CRUZ--one beautiful soul. Say Hi to God for me. I love you forever.

48. Hannah Riego, Beia Llamado, Helena Alcala, Christine Valmores, Bea Vergara, Pinky Fausto (trying to remember all the rest just makes me cry…)

49. Ms. Laureles (1st), Ms. Dupet (2nd), Ms. Gavino (3rd, two words: THE BEST), Ms. Castillo (4th0, Mrs. Are, Mrs. Magtrayo, Mrs. Cendana (the life-changer and eye-opener) Mrs. Miraflor, Sir Omer (the love of my life), Ms. Fernandez (tiger look, pero genuine mom at heart), Sir de Leon (kahit na mahilig kang kumain ng ice cream at gumamit ng fone habang nasa class, idol parin kita) Ms. Mortel, Sister Aura, Sister Gemma, Sister Agana, Ms. Sumaquiao, Ms. Leongson, Mrs. Santos, Sir Lemuel... wala na kong maisip.. idadagdag ko na lang pag meron nang bagong pumasok sa isip ko..

50. All the relationships that have been established. Even those that have been tarnished and completely destroyed. But most important, those that have endured despite all the trials and hard times.

One of the greatest blessings I have ever been bestowed with is the chance to be called a 'PAULINIAN.' My entire stay in ST. PAUL had totally been a blast and I owe this to everyone who has come into my life. I could never thank all of you enough for making my life such a wonderful thing forever worthy to be embraced and thanked for.

Now, it would be my greatest pleasure to spend the rest of my life thanking the LORD for all that He has done.:)

2005-02-25T03:29:00.000-08:00

Uncertain bliss from unproductiveness. Pathetic.

I'm dead beat. I just want to get things done and over with--in the fastest way possible, and even at the expense of quality work.

I'm worn-out. Like a capital good on the verge of breaking down, thus causing greater cost.

I'm stressed out.I pine for nothing but a sweet, unceasing slumber. One that will make me forget about the great deal of things that bother me.

Many thoughts pointing out to only one idea, teeming with simplicity--I AM TIRED.

And I didn't even imagine that 'over-tiredness' could actually make me think this way. Hah.

2005-02-14T22:39:00.000-08:00

PAKIUSAP: Paki paramdam sakin na ngayon ay HEARTS' DAY.

Okay. So it's Valentine's day. But why in the world can't I feel it?

Grabe, I never thought too much work would actually make me this oblivious to even feel valentine's. Eh sino naman kasing hindi maiinis sa mga requirements noh? Eto ha:

Feb 11 FILIPINO Reporting
Feb 14 PHYSICS Investigatory Project
Feb 16 PSYCHOLOGY Position Paper (Equivalent to PT)
ENGLISH Book Report
A&D Debate (Speech)
Feb 21 ETHICS Scrapbook
Parish Involvement
PSYCHOLOGY Creative Output
Feb 24 ECONOMICS Paper on India-Phil Trade Relation

Hindi pa kasama dyan yung mga quizzes at assignments na never nang nawala-wala. Grabe.

The more I think of these, the more I get convinced that there is already a need for me to hire a superwoman that could get all these things done on time.
Ah.Good Lord, please help!

2005-02-12T22:43:00.000-08:00

Life becomes so exciting because of unanticipated things.

Trust me on this: always expect the unexpected. This morning, I received a letter from someone whom I thought would be the last person in the world to do just that. Naturally, I was so kilig. Okay, so that was a casual letter. But hell, who cares. It doesn't change the fact that it was from her. Oh, thank God for surprises. They put colors to my life. :)

Now, I'm suddenly on the threshold of irrationality. I think I'm falling again into something I have honestly never wanted for myself. I'm done with that. And I guess there is just absolutely nothing that would ever make me want to go through that again. Anyway, let's just see how this thing progresses. Good luck na lang sakin.

Pero,, undeniable eh. kilig talaga. Haha.

2005-01-22T22:39:00.000-08:00

I am befuddled. So please let me express myself.

Some things are just too impenetrable by the mind. No matter how much time you spend trying to figure them out, they just continue to perplex your once uncomplicated life.

***You cannot squeeze milk from the dried udders of cow no matter how much time you spend doing it.***

Now, my self-imposed rule? Don't fall when there's no reason at all. You just might be making a fool out of yourself.

AND BTW, YOU-- Have you stepped down the ladder of evolution and developed only a brainstem? Haven't you factored in an idea that your soft whispers are actually deafening noises that lacerate my heart? RAR.

Graduation is nearing. For that and more, let's celebrate. FREEDOM AT LAST.

2005-01-14T19:41:00.000-08:00

I LOVE YOU SENIORS!Ü

Intrams is now officially over. We had the awarding ceremony a while back. Expectedly, (hehe..yabang) the SENIORS won the gold. But I kind of feel bad because we only won the silver in volleyball. The sophomores, apparently out of sheer luck, got the gold. Tss.

It was all because of a lame system they call Round Robin. Both the seniors and the sophomores only had 1 loss. But they have decided to proclaim the latter 'champions.'Oh, curse luck.

I just realized now that the forever-anticipated sportsfest really do a lot of advantages for the students. The most important of which is to learn how to appreciate and love their batch. I LOVE YOU SENIORS.Ü

The memories of this sportsfest will always be remembered and appreciated. GO SENIORS 2004-2005!

2005-01-01T11:58:00.000-08:00

kaibuturan ng kaluluwa

Ang itim na dugo'y nananalantay sa mga ugat.
Sumasalamin sa kaibuturan ng kaluluwa.
Kaluluwang naghihirap; gumigibik dahil sa sakit
na dulot ng mga pangyayari.
At sa pusong batbat ng pagtangis at pagkasiphayo sa buhay,
na winarak at niyurakan ng sariling kahungkagan.

2004-12-23T18:59:00.000-08:00

When life starts to prove itself hard, it does so in the most painful manner.

There are so many things in life that make me feel sick.

How I wish I could stick to passivity so as to save myself from all the pain. But that would only mean trying to deceive myself into believing that everything is alright when the next thing I just want to happen is to end it all.

Yes. I want everything to stop. But then again, the last teardrop is not to fall just yet.

"Painful" is never so painful unless you start seeing your loved ones hurting. Experience has now taught me one cruel reality: that the most painful experience you can ever encounter is to witness your loved ones so helplessly hurt yet you are fed with the fact that you cannot do anything to help. What makes it even harder is that because you love them so much, you try so hard to forget your own sufferings just to be able to project a strong image from which they can get strength from. Now isn't that plain absurdity--trying to help others... when you can't even help yourself?

If only I could bear all the pain for them, then I would have done so long before. That would have been much easier to bear than to see them now all pained.

2004-12-20T18:53:00.000-08:00

slap me back to reality

For the longest time, I have projected a happy, content image. I guess hiding what I truly feel, no matter how much it already painfully crushes me to the ground, is my futile forte.

But I can no longer keep this to myself. Not letting it all out is slowly killing me. I know myself pretty well--I know that if I let things bother me much, I wouldn't be able to do anything productive. So with all efforts I could possibly exert, I tried to become passive. I thought it was passivity alone that can save my sanity. But even that doesn't help. it just makes things worse. Because every time I find myself in silence, reality callously and unceasingly hit me, without even giving me a chance to prepare an armor that would protect me.

My heart has been cruelly lacerated for so many times. I have been held hostage of almost every heart-crushing experience you might feed your imagination with, that sometimes, I can no longer help wondering what I could have possibly done to deserve all these things.

God knows how deep the pain runs. He's the only one I can cling onto now. I have no one to share all my pains with because the people whom I expect to be there for me are also hurting badly.

My life is all messed up now that I cant find where I am standing. Everything is just too blurry for my eyes to witness. I AM SO MUCH PAINED, yet I always have to pretend. I cant get help from any good soul. Because at the end of the day, I always realize that nobody else can help me--nobody but myself. That is a very painful reality I just have to accept.