Monday, December 20, 2004
6:53 PM


slap me back to reality

For the longest time, I have projected a happy, content image. I guess hiding what I truly feel, no matter how much it already painfully crushes me to the ground, is my futile forte.

But I can no longer keep this to myself. Not letting it all out is slowly killing me. I know myself pretty well--I know that if I let things bother me much, I wouldn't be able to do anything productive. So with all efforts I could possibly exert, I tried to become passive. I thought it was passivity alone that can save my sanity. But even that doesn't help. it just makes things worse. Because every time I find myself in silence, reality callously and unceasingly hit me, without even giving me a chance to prepare an armor that would protect me.

My heart has been cruelly lacerated for so many times. I have been held hostage of almost every heart-crushing experience you might feed your imagination with, that sometimes, I can no longer help wondering what I could have possibly done to deserve all these things.

God knows how deep the pain runs. He's the only one I can cling onto now. I have no one to share all my pains with because the people whom I expect to be there for me are also hurting badly.

My life is all messed up now that I cant find where I am standing. Everything is just too blurry for my eyes to witness. I AM SO MUCH PAINED, yet I always have to pretend. I cant get help from any good soul. Because at the end of the day, I always realize that nobody else can help me--nobody but myself. That is a very painful reality I just have to accept.