Wednesday, March 16, 2005
9:06 PM


some friend you are

the title doesn't go out to only one person. it actually goes out to three of my so called "friends" who have decided to take in a sense of perverseness. pucha. magsamasama kayong lahat. im way too good to deserve this. do you even know how much pain you cause me?

gusto ko kayo isa-isahin.

pinakauna ka na-- i just hate you. but i hate myself even more for still caring despite all that you have done. masakit, gets? or are you really that numb to not even realize it? konting respeto naman, please. i don't remember doing anything to deserve this kind of treatment. ang hirap mong intindihin eh. i've said this before but i want to repeat it all over again: if I were your problem, then face me. don't leave me here hanging.

kung ako yung "problemang walang kwenta" na sinasabi mo, well sorry but you're plain dumb. kc kung totoong walang kwenta ang isang tao/ bagay, there's just no reason at all to acknowledge its presence and to actually see it as a 'problem'. pero since you've regarded it as one, then it only goes to show that, adamandtly denied though, it does matter. it does affect you. you do care.

so what's the use of faking? you're not hoodwinking anybody else but yourself. you're trying so hard to appear uncaring, yet you only have yourself to deceive in the process. you do what you know will hurt me. and congratulations coz they all work. but then it doesn't change the fact that you're a big fat fraud. because every hurtful action you direct towards me speaks about nothing but your futile desire to hide what's really inside. something that has once cared, but which has now turned stonecold.

another thing, i am not assuming. i NEVER was. maybe only at this point because i am actually assuming that i am the one you were talking about. but allow me to make you realize that you too were guilty of the same gaffe. coz if i really were the one you were refering to, then that is just sheer assumption-- thinking that i was putting another meaning on what we used to have; blaming me for a mistake i have NEVER even thought of committing.

isa pa, let me remind you of the very droll remark: "that's so mushy and sweet.. inlove!:)" sino ngayon satin ang assuming? tss.

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PERVERSENESS is one of the primitive impulses of the human heart-- one of the invisible primary faculties, or sentiments, which give direction to the character of Man.

Who has not, a hundred times found himself committing a vile or a silly action, for no other reason than because he knows he should not? Have we not a perpetual inclination, in the teeth of our best judgment, to violate that which is Law, merely because we understand it as such?

-Edgar Allan Poe

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now let me proceed with another "friend"-- i don't hate you, really. but you confuse me. grabe, to the highest degree. anlabo mo pare. sa pagkakatanda ko, i still haven't considered a single thought of abandoning my position of being your friend. and i don't think that would ever happen. hindi ako expressive sayo, oo. but that doesn't mean i care less. anu ka ba naman? i care a lot okay? and that's simply because you're my friend. actually, one of those i consider truest friends. i miss you badly when we're not together. i think of you often when im fed with the thought that i can't be with you. i keep on thinking what could have been if you were still with us.--the same things i experience/feel for the rest. cge, given na that my bestest friend gets the most attention. i can't possibly change that. pero my point here is, i am your friend. and all i ask of you is to acknowledge my presence. because it hurts so bad to be unnoticed.

finally, to you whom i've considered one of my best friends-- you're still my best friend, okay? nothing has changed. (hannah, just so i can save you from paranoia, im telling you now that i am not refering to you. you're my bestest friend so don't ever settle with the word 'best.' you're more than that to me.) it's just that i'm getting tired of all your pretensions. i know perfectly of your genuine motives alright? kaya there's no point of hiding them. sorry to burst your bubble pero there's just no way you'll ever get me to believe you. wag mo naman ako gawin dahilan. magaling ako para maloko mo. mayabang na ocge, pero please? alam ko kaya stop playing games. like you always go to my place supposedly to see me. but i know that you just do that para makita mo sya. kababawan. please nman. were supposed to be best friends right? kaya let's be honest with each other.

hay. tapusin na tong crap na to.
but i really feel great to have let all these things out. Thank God for online journals, they make it easier for people to deal with their emotions.

God, one wish please: peace on earth.