Friday, April 01, 2005
3:10 PM


okay. so maybe i was a coward.

but on second thought, err, no. i take that back. now i curse my mind for even factoring that in. i am no coward. i just thought keeping things from worsening means holding my tongue back.

though it took me a lot of time, effort, and courage to come up with this letter, i was reluctant to give it to you at first. but im not letting everything i've invested be put to waste. now after a lot of thinking, i realized that i can actually get to you in the subtlest manner, and that is, through this online journal.

Before finally coming up with this letter, I first had to deal with great fears. It would have been easier for me to stick to passivity but I really wanted to tell you a lot of things. I don't have any tinge of thought as to how you will take this. But then, all I ask is just a little fraction of your time.

I want to keep this as short as possible so to start things off, I would first like to apologize. I know I was never totally honest with you. I have never really shown any trace of annoyance, but my past blog entries might actually speak otherwise. (slapmebacktoreality.blogspot) If you happen to read some of my entries, you would discover that there were some points where I felt really bad that I was able to write things that were inappropriate.

I know that I'm responsible for whatever I put in that online journal, and because I'm aware that I was able to mention things that might offend you, I find it important now to apologize. I just want you to know that I didn't totally mean those things.

The reason why I never showed annoyance is because I never really was annoyed. I was just plain hurt, or maybe offended, and because I can't let it show, I have no other choice but to act as if I'm 'just annoyed.' I'm not a fraud, but at times, I tend to resort to hurtful words just so I can hide my own hurting. Because I myself felt offended, I found hurting people back with my sharp words the only way of redeeming my aggrieved ego.

You know there were just certain situations wherein you made me feel bad. Maybe they were unwittingly done, or maybe I was just overreacting. Now I can't go on trying to expound on this because I don't feel certain about anything at the moment. But you know the only way I had to hide the fact that I was hurt was to act as if I was not affected. Now I know doing that didn't help at all.

Up until this point, I still don't have any clear idea of how you see me. I don't even know if you consider me as a 'friend'. But on my part, I find you really special. Perhaps because I see everyone else that way. I consider myself your 'friend' because you somehow made me believe that I'm worthy being called one. And I gave so much value and importance to that privilege. Now, since I'm being totally honest, I might as well add that I don't remember myself caring for someone else the way I have cared for you. You matter a lot, and I hope I was able to make you feel that way with all the little things I tried to do.

But then again, I want to say that I am not assuming. I never was. I never put another meaning to what was happening before. Sure, I was analyzing things, but I never assumed. I never even attempted. I always tried to think in depth but I never lost grip on reality.

Alam mo, you often confuse me. I can't tell when you're feeling really okay, or when you're just trying to be nice. I can't even tell when you're already annoyed. I don't know what kind of adjustments I have to make just so I can put up perfectly well with you. Sometimes, I just get caught by surprise with sudden changes. For the longest time, I thought you wanted me out of your way, so I tried to do just that. But then you've surprised me again recently by acting as if nothing abnormal has happened. Everything seems back to normal.

I honestly feel happy that things are slowly getting okay now. I feel relieved whenever I get messages from you because somehow, I feel that you're not so mad after all and that I can still be a friend. But then, I feel awkward because I know I have said offensive things before and I feel that I just have to apologize first. And this is the very reason why I decided to write this letter.

It was really hard letting all these thing out and admitting my weaknesses that only me a few others know. So I hope you see now how important the 'friendship' is for me that I opted to resort to honesty. I don't have any other intention but to maintain whatever it is that we share, whether it be friendship or a sheer state of being acquainted. I just can't go on conversing with you as if nothing has happened; as if I have not hurt you with my words, and yes, maybe the other way around. You may think/say anything about me, but it will not change the fact that you do matter a lot that I just find it so essential to be honest, and to be humble enough to apologize.

I'm really sorry, and I hope we remain friends.